| 7 Issues that Inform you about Readjustment, Intervention, Family Support, Diagnosis and A New Life Ahead
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The New Life Ahead - Learning to Accept Change with Hope for
Your Future
"The New Life Ahead" Learning to Accept Change with Hope for your
Future
There are many times during the journey of healing with your veteran
and family that "a new life ahead" will not seem possible. Some days, you
may barely feel able to deal with the circumstances of the day, much less
even have "thoughts" about a future. Just to consider the future can seem
overwhelming.
BUT, there are some very important reflections that may allow you to
gain a new perspective on your life and that can be part of a new
beginning.
Veteran Coping Skills
Your Veteran has amazing coping skills. The war and survival
skills that your veteran used to stay alive during conflict and to
return home are extraordinary and resulted in him/her doing just that,
"staying alive and returning home". The skills that the veteran engaged
were:
- Safety
- Being constantly alert for dangerous situations
- Seeing
anything unexpected or out of place as a possible explosive device
- Watching people and looking for escape routes
- Your veteran has learned acute alertness and vigilance. This
exaggerated state kept him/her alive in wartime. It can be difficult to
adjust, but these are helpful and useful skills at home if brought into
balance
- Trust and the Enemy
- Being
suspicious and seeing everyone as a potential enemy
- Being uncomfortable
and alert around crowds or strangers
- Checking people for trustworthiness
- The veteran understands trust at the deepest level. It may seem more
like "mistrust" at first, but the core value is intensely understood. It
will take time for the veteran to be willing to expand this trait and
open their heart to the most comforting trust of all, a spiritual trust.
This, too, gives the family an opportunity to grow together in that
dimension
- Mission Orientation
- Focusing only on a single task and not wasting time
on unimportant things
- High use of energy and resources while on a mission
- Exhaustion and withdrawal when the mission is done
- Since the veteran is adept at finishing and focusing on certain,
specific tasks, your family can begin to use this strength. Instead of
asking the veteran to multi-task, perhaps start with specific missions
that need completed that will be a win-win for the family
- Decision Making
- Chain of command determines who makes decisions
- Little questioning or
discussion
- Deciding and acting without hesitation
- The veteran will do what needs done. Seek together things in your
life together that can use this strength to help everyone
- Response Tactics
- Act first, think later, and be ready to respond with force when necessary
- Avoid planning, be ready to act
- Be prepared and have things in place
- Since the veteran is very conditioned for “preparedness”, discuss
the things in your family and family life that can use this trait for
everyone’s advantage
- Predictability and Intelligence
- Be unpredictable, vary routes and
behaviors
- Do not let others know what you are thinking
- Avoid talking or
giving out information that could be used against you
- Your veteran has had to use the trait of discernment to stay alive.
While it might seem heightened, acknowledge it and discuss how you can
use that skill for the families welfare
- Emotional Control
- Control emotions to enhance performance
- Numb
emotions, others may see them as weakness
- Have anger readily available to
respond with
- We are emotional beings. Your veteran had to learn to NOT be an
emotional being to survive. Do not take it personally, but do not ignore
times to discuss healthy emotional responses. Do this without blame and
as learning experiences for you and your family
- Talking about the War
- People will ask you stupid
questions, prepare your answers well
- It may be very difficult to talk to
people who were not there
- People may not want to hear about details, don’t
be surprised
- Learning who to talk to and when is important
- Discuss with your veteran what makes him or her comfortable or
uncomfortable. Ask your veteran if it is ok to share that with your
friends and family. Do what you can to honor the veteran, but also do
not "walk on eggshells" because learning to readjust is about learning
to live life on life's terms
(James Monroe, Boston VA Healthcare System 617-248-1077. james.munroe@med.va.gov)
These skills DO NOT easily transfer back to civilian life, However, the
Strengths found in many of these skills can be tapped into during the
transition home.
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Family Coping Skills
Your family has ALSO developed and learned survival skills while
your veteran was at war. These skills helped you to make it through daily
life, even knowing the constant peril that your veteran faced and the
uncertainty of your future.
You may be unaware of how the coping skills that you learned while your
veteran was away, and your own Strengths can be transferred to begin a
"new life" once your service person has returned home.
These are some examples of the coping skills and how families and
friends developed their own strengths.
- Safety
- You found ways to keep your family safe by engaging in life
and taking care of family business
- You were aware of and took
precautions for emotional and financial safety by recognizing BUT living
with the possibility that your veteran may not return
- You may have developed a "safety net" of people in your spiritual
community, workplace, neighborhood who were supportive while your
serviceperson was deployed.
- Trust and the Enemy
- You may have needed to extend your circle of trust
to help you cope with life circumstances while your veteran was deployed.
- You may have learned to guard your feelings from anyone who may not be
supportive of the war effort.
- You may have had to be hyper alert to
decisions, wondering if you could trust yourself when you once relied on
your veteran to share in making important decisions.
- Mission Orientation
- You may have learned to multi task even more
than ever by managing a life that once included you and your veteran, but
now relied solely on you taking care of many tasks at one time.
- You
learned that you had to pace your energy so that you could manage the
daily affairs of life. There was never a beginning or an end of the
mission, it was just continuous and you had to learn to balance it.
- Even
when you felt exhausted, you may have relied on people in your community,
neighborhood, or church to help and support you while your recharged your
energy to continue your continuous mission.
- Decision Making
- Decisions
once made by you and your veteran had to be made by you alone. These
decisions included all facets of life; financial, emotional, spiritual,
family/children issues. You may have consulted in trusted people to help
you make the decision, but ultimately, you had to make them to survive.
- To make these decisions, you had to give it thought and consideration and
time and try to make the best one on behalf of you and your veteran.
- Response Tactics
- Every decision had to be made, some required thought,
and some were spur of the moment and you had to learn to do the best you
could under the circumstances.
- Planning may have helped you to manage
the many facets of life that you faced. Thinking ahead and considering all
options help you to better respond to your families needs.
- Almost
everything you needed to survive was accessible, so even if you didn’t
plan, you could easily obtain what you needed to survive.
- Predictability and Intelligence
- Having a stable and predictable schedule
and routine helped you to manage the many aspects of life while your
veteran was away.
- By sharing your needs and gathering information, you
could make better decisions to manage your life and give it as much
stability as possible while your serviceperson was deployed.
- Emotional
Control
- You may have cried more, felt depressed, were anxious and
recognized these symptoms and shared them with friends to help you through
them.
- Being without the one you love, and being in fear for their life
daily, you recognized that you may be preoccupied, more frustrated and
other intense emotions.
- Many times, your emotions seemed out of control,
but you were probably very emotional and allowed that part of you to be
expressed.
- Talking about the War
- People would ask you about your
veteran and you knew it was because they cared, but it was a reminder of
their danger and sometimes very hard to keep being reminded.
- You found
people who understood, or kept it bottled inside, but you knew that you
had your own "war" at home in your heart and it was difficult but you got
through it.
The survival skills that your veteran learned and the coping skills
you learned while he/she was deployed may seem in direct conflict at
times. HOWEVER, both you and your veteran have displayed tremendous
strengths and resiliency that can be tapped into when developing your "new
life". Drawing upon those skills, recognizing the differences,
understanding one another and being willing to compromise will be a KEY in
forging a new life ahead.
You will have to make a conscious effort to develop a "new life".
The life that you and your veteran knew before his/her deployment has
changed forever. It is unrealistic to expect that your previous life
together will be restored in the same way.
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Dealing
With Loss
In one way, the previous life together is lost forever. With loss,
comes some sadness and grief for which there are predictable stages.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Ph.D. found that all loss includes the following:
- Denial – examples include thoughts like "Life will get back to normal"
or "Things will be like they used to be".
- Anger – when awareness’s arise
that tell you things are different. Examples include "what is the matter
with "you", snap out of it and get back to normal".
- Bargaining or
Dialogue – this happens when you see that things are changing and you say to
yourself, "if I change this, then he/she will be better" or "if I had only
done this, then things would be different"
- Depression – the deep sadness
that you have lost something very important and the hurt that comes with it.
- Acceptance – final awareness that things have changed and that you have
the wonderful opportunity to learn to live with the change.
The feelings associated with these stages of loss do not come in any
order or degree, but they all come in one way or another.
Understanding that these are normal, healthy stages – even though they
feel uncomfortable is sometimes helpful and there is much information on
grieving and loss that can help you through
your situations.
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Hope And
The New Life Ahead
Beginning a "new life". One thing is for sure, the "only person you
can change is yourself". It would be wonderful to be able to wave a magic
wand and remove the loss, fear and sense of hopelessness that often comes
during readjustment and transition home.
But, it just won’t happen. However, YOU can begin to get in touch with
the changes that have occurred, recognize the different ways you and your
veteran coped with deployment, focus on the strengths that you have to
bring through your separate challenges and begin ways to create new ways
of living.
There is hope. Sometimes it does not feel like it, or it can feel like
the sadness and loss will last forever. If you or your veteran feels that
way, be sure to seek help. Connect with other families through this web
site and the resources we have provided. Know that you are not alone and
that both the family and veteran are worth finding new life…you both have
given a great sacrifice and now have the opportunity to renew your love
for yourself, your partner, your family and the country in which you gave
so much.
God Bless you on your journey!
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Disclaimer: Veterans' Families United Foundation does not guarantee
results or outcome of the information provided in any of its materials |
Connecting
Veterans and their Families to Compassionate Resources.
